This week- this week every year…it hits me- it does- it hits me hard. It is funny kind of because you would think time would heal and actually…every year gets harder. I am not sure why exactly. It just does. I feel like the older I get – the more I miss him ….not just because I, myself miss him. Because- I feel like my kids miss him. He could have taught them so much. I feel like I would have been so close to him. I feel like he would come over for dinner and teach the boys how to ride horses….I feel like he would have helped me fix odds and ends at the house… I feel like he would have helped with my lil farm dream and that he would be there for birthdays and for Christmas and for Sunday meals and we could go to church together. I feel like we would be SO SO close right now. I mean- I am turning into him…the good- the farming the horses the outdoors the country living the doing my own thing…that was him. That was SO him!!
But….in reality…would I have been that close to him ? Would I have ? Who is to say that it would be perfect now when it was FAR from it when he was here? Why do I think it would be so different? Why does it hurt my heart SO bad – like the worse pain- when I think of him missing out on my kids growing up? I was never that close to him…why would it be different now?
You know, maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe we would be distant still…if he were here that is. Maybe we would see each other on holidays only…maybe it would be awkward and uncomfortable ….maybe it would. But- I will never know….because he is not here. He has not been here in 20 YEARS…..20 years this year. To get through – I am just going to think to myself that we would have been. I am going to keep thinking that. I am going to think we would be best friends and I would take care of him as he grew old. I am going to keep thinking that my kids would go ride with him every chance they could. I am going to continue to think that him and Kevin would fish together…be buddies. I am going to continue to think all of this because it heals me- it helps me- and to keep his memory alive I will continue to tell my kids about their adventurous….independent….country livin cowboy Grandpa Keith. He was so special- to many and to me. My dad. Happy Birthday in heaven.