September 25th, 2018
I am assuming I need to come out of hiding at some point. I have been hiding from literally everyone. The neighbors the stores all the messages from my friends, church. Everything. I am just not ready to talk. I feel like when I answer the texts, emails and messages it is for sure real. It will really be happening that the baby is gone and it is never coming back. I am never having another baby. I am done. I just am not ready to face that yet. I know it is real. I know it happened. I just don’t feel like I am ready to deal with it. Then I think, will I ever be ready?
I know people are telling people and word is getting out. I want it to. I want people to be talking about it so I don’t have to tell them. I do, however, need to deal with with my social media. I have an amazing group of followers that hear from me everyday on recipes, workouts and just uplifting stuff. They have not heard from me since this all and I have several messages. I love my followers and I cant just leave them hanging forever. I run these motivational groups I have not posted in them at all. People are wondering what happened to me. I posted like every single day usually several times and now nothing.
The truth is I have no motivation. I have gained 15 pounds. I want to lay on the couch all day and then go to sleep. I don’t though. I push through just enough to be a good mom and wife and after that I have nothing left right now. Will I ever again? Will I ever again want to be a “motivator” to others when I feel like I cant even motivate myself? ………it might go like this- not sure when i will post or if ever- what do you think?
I have to come out of hiding now. It is time to face it.
I have to say this first, I was…no WE were overwhelmed with the love we received from all of you. We were honestly kind of wondering what the reaction would be when we announced our 3rd pregnancy with having 4 kids under 4 at home already. You didn’t fail us though. Your LOVE and SUPPORT were unexpected. Over 300 comments of joy and happiness when we kind of thought you would all be thinking “these people are crazy.” You didn’t though= just support. Thank you.
That is why when I have to share this news it is heartbreaking to me..to us. On September 7th during a routine ultra sound the heartbeat could not be found on our little baby. Heading into my second trimester their was such a small chance (less than 10%) that this could or would be happening. Still in shock I was in disbelief as to what was actually going on. At 4 am the next morning our little miracle left my body and went to heaven way too soon.
We are heartbroken. I am feeling so much loss and so much emptiness. I want to tell you that it is all ok and this was the plan from above. How could I lie to you all that have been so supportive to me? Not just with this but with so many things I have faced publicly. I cant lie to you and say I am going to get up and be better and stronger. Truth is, I don’t know if I will or not. I feel like the faith that I once held onto so tightly is now slipping between my fingers and turned into one last thread. How can I possibly ever motivate you again when I cant even motivate myself to turn this into some sort of positive?
So, I am not going to sit here and say to you if you are feeling a loss right now of ANY kind that it is all going to be ok. I honestly don’t know if it is all going to be ok or not. What I can say is this, I hope with everyday we get stronger. I hope with every passing day things get a little bit easier. I hope that with every single day when the sun rises we can smile again maybe even one day get our spark back. I hope that my journey can some how help you to see that we all fall down, some harder than others but we will all somehow, someway get up again. Maybe not because we want to but because we have to.
My blessings- they are so big and full – I felt it everyday that is why I shared. When we are blessed by the Lord we are supposed to share our gifts not save them for ourselves ….share them so others can see hope in you. Of course it is easy to share when life is going so great….but will I be able to do what the Lord also intends and get up somehow from this all and still show that I have faith in him? I sure hope so. I hope you will too.
I know what you are thinking- I should be thankful I have 4 healthy and beautiful children and now I have an Angel in heaven. If you know me you know that my kids mean EVERYTHING to me….EVERYTHING…but I mean no disrespect— I already have enough Angels in heaven…I want this 5th baby here with me… on earth…in my arms.