Will I ever be me again?

A page in my book due out next fall…….

October 24th, 2018

Someone very smart once said to me “It will never be the same, but that does not mean it won’t be great.”

After losing the baby just a few months ago, I found myself sobbing to Kevin this week about how I was already my best self and I will never be my “best” self again. I already was at the top of my game and I will never be there again. Why?

Not because I won’t lose the weight or run the marathon or not because I won’t achieve my goals of being a great mom, wife, fitness trainer, writer, cook, motivator…. It is not that.

I will never be my “best self” again because every day that I finally start feeling good again, every time that I start hitting those goals again I will still have the tug at my heart. I will still have that emptiness. I will still have that loss, that sadness. I will still think of my baby with the lump in my throat and the knot in my stomach.

I might be on my game again, I might run another marathon or might do more television segments, I might be in the top 10 of my coaching team, I might really nail momming it, I might have warm dinners every single night for Kevin and laundry all caught up before he gets home…. but I will never really feel like I am “my best self” because whenever I feel like I am winning at life I will still have the loss that will linger in me. For the rest of my life. Forever. The pain will not leave….it will get lighter, and it has, but it won’t leave.

With all that though…I do still have hope that it will be great again- I will be great again…..not the same…but, great can and will happen again to me in this life.

Trials we go through, they change us. They mold us. They make us who we are and what we stand for. They make us or they break us. Right? They can break us. They can. They have. I can say right now that

“The broken pieces will all come back together again and the light will shine through the cracks”…I can say that today, but it will take some time for me to really truly believe it.

“It will never be the same, but that does not mean it won’t be great.” This has changed me. This whole thing has changed me.

I wont be the same- but, then again- maybe I was not meant to be the same. I won’t be the same but I will again be great.

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