November 10, 2018
I am afraid to put up my Christmas stuff. I reach out to a friend who lost a baby. I told her how I was feeling. I am afraid I am not going to be able to handle it without tears. I then feel guilty that I am not just grateful for the four kids I have here on this earth. What is my problem? I should be excited to see their faces light up when I get the nativity scene out and hang the stockings. That is the problem. The stockings. Last year we hung our P-E-A-C-E sign above the fireplace. There is a hook for stockings. When one hook was left empty I knew one more baby was in our future. I felt it. I just knew. How then, this year will I hang that sign again. With one empty stall. One empty letter not filled with where our baby should be. How? I am so worried- I just keep pushing it off. I would normally have lights up and other décor. I get so excited for this time of year and now, now I want it to not come so fast. Slow down time- I am not ready to deal with you yet.
My friend responded. Did you have a name? We didn’t know the sex. I never intended to find out until she arrived. She. I had a strong feeling there was a girl in my belly. A baby sister for May. I just knew it. Her name would have been Liv Grace. From the moment I found out i was pregnant I named her…I had a momma instinct. I just did.
“Then name her and talk about her and tell your kids about her,” this was my sweet friends response to me. And why cant i? Why should I not name her? Who is to say that I cant name my unborn baby ? Who? Who will judge me and talk about how crazy I am for doing this? Who? I will tell you who…the people that don’t support me and love me for who I am, over emotional or not.
Who will support me?
The ones who love me – not because I am perfect and normal- the ones who love me when I am over emotional and can talk me off the ledge with no judgement.
Liv Grace. That is her name. I will call her by name forever. On her death day and her birthday into Heaven. I will have a name for my sweet baby that never made it to the light of this day on earth but only to the light of Jesus.
My friend went on to say “Put up a stocking for her. Tell the kids why your sad. Let them know of their sister. Don’t feel bad or weird about it. Deal with it however you can. Whatever feels right. Deal with it that way. No one can tell you how you feel. No one can tell you the right or wrong way to grieve this. No one knows your pain but you.”
If you are reading this and think I am a nut job for naming my unborn baby that I only carried for 3 months…..its ok. I can see how you would think this way. It is ok but, I must say to you, I don’t need your approval. Nor do I seek it. If you are reading this and thinking- I wish I could name my unborn baby but I was only 5 weeks, 6 weeks, 2 months…4 months…whatever it is…YOU CAN! YOU ABSOLUTELY, 110 % can name that baby if it feels right. Go with your gut. Go with what makes you feel authentically better about the entire situation. It will never heal us fully to name our baby but you know what- if it makes us feel better to name them….then LETS do JUST THAT!
There are more people than you know out there that are waiting and willing to support you. I promise.
To Liv Grace… may you be the light, girl- the light for all the unborn babies that mommas want to name but have not gotten the courage too yet, you were the angel baby I will never hold here on earth but I know that you are being taken good care of up in Heaven. Till then baby girl….momma loves you.
If you have a name for your little one you lost too soon please …if you feel the need or want to share- please do. I genuinely would be honored to hear it.