I can put on a really great fake smile.
In the picture on the left it took every ounce in me to forget my real life and just smile in the moment for the day.
I never thought I would have a true, real smile ever again. I never thought I would be really, authentically happy again. I smiled that day for my family. I held it together all day and it was a beautiful day. Deep down I was having a lot of nerves hitting at the pit of my belly thinking someone was going to ask me how I was feeling. Or even worse someone might ask me when I was due. Everyone at the event knew I was pregnant and I was not even sure if everyone knew that day that I was not anymore.
This pic on the left was taken about 3 weeks after the news that our little baby was not going to make it to live on earth with us. I can honestly say that was the hardest thing I have ever endured on this earth thus far. I have had a lot of hards but this one might have taken the cake.
I struggled. I struggled for weeks to get up and go again. I thought I would skip this event. Honestly, the only reason I think I muscled up and went is because my boys were a part of this big day. I am so thankful they were because I think that is what made me get up. I think being able to look forward to something for them is what made me get out of bed and start to slowly function again.
No one did ask or say anything about the baby that day. The focus was on the beautiful bride and groom and my cute little ring bearers. The attention was not on me nor was it ever going to be. However, at the moment I thought it was.
I thought all eyes were going to be staring at me with judgment and wonder. I thought people would be whispering behind my back about our pregnancy or our loss. I prepared myself to answer odd uncomfortable questions. I went into that day with my nerves rattling so badly I may have even thrown up a bit. I prayed.
Do you ever feel that way? Do you ever feel like everyone is looking at you and talking about you? Do you ever feel like you are being whispered about behind your back? Do you ever get super anxious about what to say to people or how to react to any of this. Does the anxiety of it all ever just keep you at home to just not face the noise?
I know sister. I know. I know how you feel and I know that we tell ourselves so many untrue stories every single day. These stories can take over our hearts and our minds. They can make us doubt ourselves and our decisions. These stories we make up can make us start to get uncomfortable in our own dang skin. Where we should feel safe, we start to feel scared and alone. These stories…they can haunt us and keep us up at night. They can make us become depressed and angry. They can even make us think others are out to get us. Our stories can put us in a dark hole that has barely enough light to help us start to dig our way out. These stories…….they are just that…..STORIES.
We do it to ourselves. No one is talking about you or judging you. No one has it out for you. No one wants to see you fail. No one that should matter, that is. No one that loves you and wants what is best for you is saying these things. Stop telling yourself these lies- these stories. Stop making things up in your head that are just not true. You have to stop. You have to pick yourself up out of the hole that you might be slightly in and start to see the light full on.
You are loved you will be loved you are love.
I finally made it through the darkness I was seeing. The picture on the right is a real genuine smile. I got up in front of 150 people and told my real story…my real life story of heartache and how I found love for myself and for life again.
Let’s stop telling ourselves these hurtful lies and start telling ourselves the greatness that we are and that we will keep becoming as we walk through this life. Surround yourself with those who love you and lift you and you won’t worry again about anyone telling stories behind your back again.
When I get myself tied up in these “stories” or if they start to creep into my mind I say these words out loud.. Just try it…”BE LIGHT, SEE LIGHT”… say it now. BE LIGHT SEE LIGHT….once you turn those yucky thoughts and lies you think into be light see light eventually, they will fade away back into the darkness where they belong and you will shine brighter and brighter.