What you see is not always what you get

I had a vision in my head of how the day would go. Perfect, I had thought. Just perfect. The kids would wake up to their new bunnies and a few new toys and play nicely with each other and with the new bunnies all morning until church. Then my whole family was coming to my church (which was a big deal- because they never usually come up here for church I was so excited to have them) I thought we could all sit together and pray together and sing together. After church head to my moms for lunch where we would have an egg hunt and eat and celebrate Jesus. Then naps and more time with bunnies at home and bed early to have some time to our adult selves before Monday. Perfectly perfect- and that is just how these pictures look- perfect. Doesn’t my family look so happy and well behaved – like we really have it all together?

What really happened….

Everyone woke up and saw the bunnies and were so so excited- they each also got one toy from Toy Story. Beau got dinosaur May got Jesse Keith got Buzz and Duke got Woody. Immediate fight- they all wanted to have them all or have what the other one had…Beau was literally screaming the entire day over this– then the bunnies came out and the dogs went NUTZO—barking SO SO SO loudly ALL MORNING LONG….put the dogs in my room and the kids were fighting- and I mean screaming and crying over who got to hold the bunny and Beau wanted so badly to hold them but was holding them to tight so I could not let him which led to another tantrum.

Off to church we go- all screaming because they want to take their new toys to church but I cant let them because all of the toys talk and make tons of noises so therefore more tantrums until I finally let them take them in the car- then quickly distract them all with doughnuts at church to take the toys from them. All eating a doughnut all is good. Go into church- ALL the boys are crying they want to go upstairs to the play room NOT sit in church with all my family who went out of there way to come here to sit with us. Please I said –“please just stay down here for the singing at least” NOPE – sobbing…loudly..so I give in- upstairs they go. My mom sat with them up there so she didn’t even get to get the full feel of our church and the Pastor’s awesome message. May was the good one who stayed down with us until she fell bonked her head in the middle of announcements and SCREAMED until I had to take her out.

Get to moms have a FREEZING cold egg hunt- rush to come in and cant find Beau…outside alone he is…all the eyes we have and we forget him outside. He was fine—but still. Oh and more screaming fights over the damn talking toys.

Get home- get bunnies out- fighting and dogs barking- put bunnies outside. Decide to take big boys out and play with bunnies- one bunny starts puking- I look over at Keith and gushes of blood coming from his lip-“what happened?” I ask..”I don’t know mom- I just started bleeding maybe I fell this morning ?” -um- ok? We run in the house to clean up- put Burt and Ernie in cages for the night.

Give everyone a bath have a snack and we look at each other and I say to kevin. – “you cant make this sh*t up.” He laughs. 7:30 pm we all fall asleep- so much for our put the kids bed to early and have a date night.

#truthbetold #whatyouseeonfbisnotwhatyouget

-Don’t compare your life to mine or anyone else’s- it is not perfect EVER here- and when it is I am waiting for the next thing to fall apart- however- I would not change it- never in a million years. While trying to perfect your life you are missing out on the good stuff going. Let some stuff go and just live! I tell myself that a lot- one day your house will be clean and perfect and quiet and you will be missing the craziness that was before you.

Lose Weight and No working out? Wha??

Ok, listen. For reals listen to this lady confessing right here .this lady is me….

I will keep this short as possible.

Before KIDS before- I worked out ALL THE TIME. I did. NEVER missed a workout. Sometimes I taught like 3-5 classes a day. How did I do that? AND ….AND I weighed in at 15 lbs more than I do now. YES !!! Me, I did. I worked out ALL THE TIME and I weighed more than I do now. And I have birthed 4 kids in the meantime.

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Then I had these kids. I had them and I quit my job. I was home all day long with them. ALL DAY. So, yes I was busy but I had ALL day to get a workout in. So, I did. FAITHFULLY every. Single. Day.

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I love working out- it mentally gets you going it physically is amazing and it does help with some weightloss IF AND ONLY IF you eat correctly. You can kill yourself working out and not lose a pound- like I used to. OR you can eat right and possibly not even workout much and LOSE.

Now, my kids are getting older. I knew once they were going to be starting school more I would start working a job more. The big boys are in half days but headed next fall into full days. I have slowly but surely started working a little more. I run 2 businesses and work for my church – I also take care of a mini farm and am writing a book (don’t get too excited I am on page 3 and I have started over like 20 times!) ALL while raising kids and trying to be healthy. I am tired just typing that.Something had to give. It just did. I had to make more room in my day. I could not be committed 6 days a week sometimes 7 to 30 minutes or more. I just cant. I get it now you guys.

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Do you see what I am saying ? I am saying I get you- I get you not being able to give me 6 days of 30 minutes a day! I GET YOU- I AM YOU! A momma with a JOB and KIDS and Laundry and cleaning and this and that and running errands and just doing it ALL and then you expect me to give in 6 days of 30 minutes a day to working out.

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It was not happening for me- you will notice I have not been posting as many sweaty selfies – even ask my groups. I just don’t have time to do the workouts like I used to. If I get a 20 minute walk in now I call it good. If I stretch at night- good. If I play with the kids I am good. I am still being active but I am not giving it ALL every single day. I was feeling as though I was slipping….and then this…this new program all about eating. NOTHING TO DO WITH WORKING OUT WHAT SO EVER!!

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I felt like it was literally made for ME!!!! Made for me to try and me to spread the WORD> made for me to learn and to help other mommas feeling the same as me. BUSY!! Overwhelmed! All of it….

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This has been amazing. It truly has made me rethink the way I eat. I am not going to lie and say portion control system didn’t work because you guys IT DOES- portion control ALONG with working out WORKS AMAZING!! It helped me lose over 85 pounds….but that was at a time I could do all the workouts…now I am just not able to do as many workouts – not at this moment in my life. I will still workout- you know I will …but not for weight loss or even maintenance…not for that at all…I will work out to feel good about myself and be strong WHEN I can find the time and really enjoy it.

5 pounds shed off of me last week- I am not even trying to lose weight. I mean I do kind of teeter back and forth with a couple pounds but this is a good comfy weight for me so when I go up and down I don’t fret. But, last week when I lost and I did not get all my workouts in – I was SHOCKED…SHOCKED to say the least.

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I feel you sister- I feel you and your busy life. Let me help you. Let me retrain your brain with eating- and you will feed your belly your families belly AND YOUR SOUL with goodness. You will NOT be sorry!

Ok – super long.

Once again. #sorrynotsorry

#somuchtoshare

Hugs, ad

Here is my why.. right here..I want them to learn how to eat healthy from ME…i dont want them to struggle with eating… i want them to learn how to cook good food and want too eat good… what is your why?

FOOD hangover- anyone?

🙋Ever have a FOOD hangover? Do you know what this is? I sure do!! My husband got me away last night- he took me on an overnight to the dells which was super fun!! It was! And it was “vacation” or as my kids say “holiday” (peppapig)

🤷‍♀️Anyway- I needed to go- I needed a break I needed to relax…actually I promised I would do no work for the whole day (besides some check ins to my groups – which I don’t think is work at all -lol) We had a great time- we did- hiking and eating and antiquing and a few pulls at the good ole ho chunk (I know I know – but its kind of fun). So- I ate….i had burger and fries and ice cream and PIZZA!!! 🍕🍔🍨

I have to say the less I eat this kind of stuff the less I like 🤢it- I am sorry and you may find me boring but it is true- it tasted so greasy and made me feel super sluggish. 🚶‍♀️I mean it was good – the ice cream was amazing- BLUE MOON- my fav. But, today- o today- I am SO SO SWOLLEN and SO bloated and just feel like S*iT. I do- I just feel like crap- I am not mentally upset though- not at all- like I would have been in the past…I would have said screw it and ate like crap now the rest of the weekend and beat myself up-= but not anymore- I embrace our day together- not thinking about calories or container or anything like that ….I just feel like I am “hungover”from food today..my hands are so incredibly swollen I mean even my feet!! Anyone else get this?? Yuck!!!🤦‍♀️

💑I had a great get away with him- I did – it is so awesome that I can pick up and do “holiday” anytime I want – I can work from wherever I want and make my own schedule. I loved every minute of it….but I have to say- I don’t really feel Iike I need a break from my life. I really don’t- I love being home and being with my kids and my animals- and the hubs too. I do. I know it is good for us to have breaks without the kids -together..i do. But, I feel extremely lucky to have a life that I don’t feel like I need a “break” from.

I feel grateful for my new way of thinking of food and alcohol at that. I am happy to report 2 Malibu and soda went down fine and I was able to stop at just that….and I STILL had fun!!

If anything I learned from this little spur of the moment get away it is this-

❤️1. Kevin and I STILL after all these years have SO much to talk about together and share so many interests which keeps our relationship authentic and happy. We still got it even when kids are not here.

😎2. I have a hard time relaxing – I have a hard time just letting go but when I do it feels GREAT!

💪3. Hiking Devils Lake was NOT as hard for me as it was years ago when we did it (better shape than ever!!)

🤔4. I don’t like gambling like I used to

👏5. I have more discipline than ever before around alcohol

💃6. FOOD is not my enemy – it is my fuel- I fueled it wrong yesterday and today I pay but I am not dwelling on it at all- not one bit…it feels SO GOOD to not have that battle anymore- that mental battle of “messing up” it was not a mess up at all it was planned and enjoyable meals with kevin and NO kiddos!

🤓7. I am SO HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO WORK FROM ANYWHERE!! I am up early in the “office lounge” and able to do some writing before we get up to hike again!

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Enjoy your Friday friends!! Thanks for reading- I would love to reset your way of thinking about food and workouts- please reach out for a change on thinking…WE are releasing a new serious- I am training now- it is learning about food and mentally changing the way we think— not based on workouts at all for success…. Workouts will be a bonus but not a requirement.

If you struggle with food and how you think and feel around it and about it and you have no time to workout – THIS WILL BE FOR YOU!!!

😍Xoxo- ad

Note to self :

**Not everyone is going to agree with you- those are not your people. Not everyone is going to find what you say interesting, those are not your people. Not everyone will be as passionate as you are about a certain subject, those are not your people. Not everyone will like you, those are not your people. Not everyone will accept you, those are not your people. You will be judged by others, those are not your people. You will be thrown under the bus by others, those are not your people.

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This is not to say you should not love and accept those who are “not your people”. They are just not your tribe- they are just not gonna walk a lot of this life with you. But we need those people too- we do- because without them this world would get very boring.

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Listen, not everyone is gonna like you- not at all…STOP- just STOP trying to prove yourself- you do not need to prove yourself to anyone- you do not need to make Anyone like , love or appreciate you. YOUR PEOPLE- they will…and when you find em- hang on to em for dear life. THOSE – those are the ones who are going to push you to be your best you. STOP worrying about what other people think, do or say about you- 90 percent of the time those people are thinking of you for like 10 seconds- judging you for 5 and then moving on. They don’t care enough about you to think of you any longer than that. OK_ so stop putting your success and your self worth in other people’s hands. NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE “your people” you need to be ok with that! YOU be YOU—and keep on keeping on- and your “people” they will show up. They will. Trust me.

Xoxox- AD

Reposting for IVF week

As seen on

Scary Mommy

This week is Infertility Awareness Week

Wanted to repost this blog in honor to support those who struggle…

IVF X 2

Exactly 4 years ago to the date this week my uterus felt like it was ripped out of me, stomped on and thrown back into my guts. It was a week much like this week- beautiful and almost summer like. The air was crisp and clean and people were excited for football and all the fun fall things ahead. Me, I was laying in bed – crying and worrying mostly. Worrying that if this procedure did not work- I was never going to have kids. I was never going to experience motherhood- Kevin was never going to experience fatherhood. And worse, I felt like if it didn’t work-It was me. My fault. Did I not do enough? Was I not healthy enough? Did I inject the medication wrong? Was I too stressed out? Were my eggs no good? Oh, man I can t even describe the amount of worry I felt. Yes I was a Christian and we are not supposed to worry because “tomorrow will worry for itself.” But I WAS WORRIED. I had a plan and this plan needed to work and if it didn’t I was surely going to lose my shit. God only gives you what you can handle— or this, God only gives you what HE can help you handle. Either way- he knew I couldn’t handle a negative test.I know this date very well. Not only because it was Labor Day weekend but also my cousin would be delivering her new baby girl this next week and I knew if I had a negative test I would never be able to step foot in that hospital room and see the new little one. I would not be able to take it. She gave birth that week—and at the hospital I was able to announce that I was pregnant. Very newly pregnant but I was. I had never been pregnant in my life- this was a true miracle.

Going through Invitro fertilization was not for the weak. I must say- if you have done it or plan to do it you must be strong. I remember multiple ultra sounds laying in the room bawling my eyes out at why I had to go through this? Why!?!?! The routine ultra sound check to see if your eggs were growing like they should be. I remember a time being afraid of needles. After being stuck every other day for multiple weeks I now can prep that vein even before the nurse steps foot into the room.

I was in secret with the process. Kevin and I told very, very few people. We weren’t ready to share. I was not ready. I was embarrassed and ashamed. My body was not doing what it was intended to do. Doing this in secret was literally the worse thing I think we could have done for us mentally….always hiding from people and making excuses on why we couldn’t be at events. It was exhausting!! I will tell you this though—It did bring US closer together as a couple. All we had was each other a lot of the time. Just us home – alone—A LOT! Me laying in bed feeling “sick” but really I was definitely depressed. I also wanted to tell no one because- if it didn’t work I didn’t want the awkward conversations with people.

It did work though! We delivered twin boys in April of 2014. So blessed! So very blessed. I still though was not really ready to speak out loud about our struggle. I was just still embarrassed and didn’t want the questions. I wasn’t ready. Sure we got the questions and the looks and the “do twins run in your family?” And we just would say… YEP they do. Kevin’s friend, at the time, even had the nerve to post on his page- “hey, my wife wants to know—are your twins natural?” Like, really?—my blood still boils talking about it a little—why would you EVER post that question – number 1. Number 2—are they natural? Really,? No, they are fake kids——–I can assure you after throwing up for 18 weeks and carrying these 6 pounders in my belly for 36 weeks and 5 days strong— I can assure you brotha- these babies are real. I kind of feel sorry for that guy because I REAMED HIS ASS for asking this question. Now looking back I guess I could have handled the situation better. I don’t think they talk anymore – hmm?

Listen, I know that people who have not dealt with fertility issues don’t know what is wrong and right to say. I will give you advice— if you have to question it in your heart if it is appropriate or not—THEN JUST DON’T SAY IT. I don’t care if its your best friend- your daughter – or your daughters best friend….JUST DON’T. Don’t ask it unless they seem ready and open to discuss…ok? Now, on another note—I am ready and open. My next round of IVF… I WAS READY— I mean I was a soldier!! Yup! I knew what to do and when to do it…. I did all my own shots and drove my own butt to the doctors appointments, with company sometimes–(they were like 2 ½ hours away). I had to be this way—I had two baby boys at home that needed to be cared for and a husband who worked crazy hours. I had to get tough and be tough. I told everyone who would listen what we were going through so I could ask for help—we needed it. It wasn’t about me anymore- it was about them. I needed to get through this without it effecting them negatively in any way. I did too- I really rocked this round of Ivf. I can honestly say that. I made it through—my body made it through. Long story short….. doctor says how many eggs you want to put it- KEVIN says ONE!! We have twins at home. Ok, fine—you have a 25 % chance of this working—Doctor recommends doing 2 eggs than chances go up to 60 percent. Kevin says NO- doctor says you will NOT get twins again—I can almost promise you this… Kevin says “doctor, one egg.” I am just going with whatever because I had to beg to do this again so soon anyway, right. Then the WEEK before the procedure is going to go through- kevin says—“lets just do 2.” I am like, OK- that is literally all I said – I didn’t want him to change his mind because I knew with one egg in the odds were against us—so 2 it was. 6 week later… ultra sound appointment—I know what to look for- I see it – I see TWO sacs…..kevin has no clue until nurse says—“o its twins!!” Me and kevin look at eachother – nurse says “are you ok?” I say—well, we have twins at home, they are 17 months old. Nurse says- “oh.”—kevin leaves the room nurse says “is he ok?” I say—“not sure.” Dead silence the entire ride home…the whole night almost. Now, we wouldn’t have it any other way.

So, there it is the story of our family.

-If you or someone you know is struggling with infertility and want to chat- please do reach out. I wish I had known someone to talk with and felt comfortable to talk about it going through. I think it would have been much easier the first round if I had that and if I had felt more comfortable. There is nothing wrong with you……this is the hand you were given and you can get through this. I know all too well. I cant make it all better but I can sure as hell try.:)

Do you drink alcohol?

I was asked recently if I drink.. no not water – if I drink alcohol. Actually, I was asked twice this week that same question- actually- I probably get asked weekly by several people if I have a cocktail or two once in a while. The answer is basically …..No- I don’t drink.

It is usually assumed by most that I don’t drink for one of 2 reasons- I am the Healthyhairdresser and how could I possibly live up to the name if I put toxins in my body…or 2 because Jesus says not to (I mean is this even true?). Well folks, I wish it were that simple- I wish I could blame it on my new found healthy lifestyle or on the Good Lord- but the answer is NO- to both of those. That is not the reason I don’t drink. The reason I do not consume alcohol is because I have an addictive personality- I have told you this before. I am, in most cases either balls to the wall or none at all. That is or maybe now I can say was my personality.

Years ago – I remember being at several gatherings with a certain person who never ever drank a drop- i mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON around them was on their way to a great time with some good ole spirits behind it and he never ever even had a taste. I asked my husband why- why this guy always came to the party with no bottle in hand? He told me- he used to- he used to be the life of the party- drank so much – so much until he couldn’t handle it and would get out of control- not In good way….so one day he said “enough” and just stopped then and there- never touched it again. I thought in my head- “what a boring life..he never ever drinks?.” Little did I know where my life was headed—Fast forward 10 plus years and now that is…ME.

I used to drink so much that I would get sick- or pass out – or black out- I would totally forget. That was the problem….I knew going into it that that is what I wanted- I knew when I started to drink I wanted to let go of my problems -my fears to be gone…my worries to go away -my anxiety to diminish…and it did- boy oh boy it did. I would slam them- slam those drinks right off the bat so I felt great immediately…I felt in place I felt like I had courage and strength and confidence—-until the next day when I would be sick and anxious about what I said or did or who I talked to or this or that. Horrible- it was a horrible horrible feeling….but I continued it- every weekend even sometimes in to the weeks.

Now- a lot of things have been lifted from me over the years…I feel like I have the my confidence up and my strength I feel like my anxiety and worries are under control for the most part….but I am just not ready- I am not ready to test the waters of alcohol quite yet.

It was not an overnight thing—it has been over the last few years that I have just drank less and less and less until none at all. DON’T GET ME WRONG—there are MANY MANY days I wish I still drank and smoked with the best of em- stressful days that I know it could help take the edge off- but I just don’t trust myself yet. Soon though- Soon I am hoping I can enjoy a cocktail or two with you and just really enjoy it- enjoy the company the conversation and the actual drink.

Until then, cheers-

Happy weekend to you all!

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NOTE: this pic was taken over 10 years ago- i was having a good time- clearly- i want to say I have had many good times in my life with booze…i just want to relearn how to have a good time without getting to crae crae.